In the first date or two, people often subconsciously reveal the truth about their capacity for a relationship. How good are your listening skills? Are you able to detect the red flags that turn to roadblocks in your love life? For both men and women, the first few dates are usually experienced through a rosy haze of wonderment. It’s easy to dismiss a red flag as a self-deprecating moment of vulnerability. If however, you are able to hear them for what they are, genuine warnings that you are in conversation with someone who is not relationship ready, you will save yourself a great deal of frustration, self-esteem, guessing and “trying” to make something work that was never meant to be.
Red flags in Early Conversations:
- I’m an emotional mess.
- Yeah, most of my relationships don’t work out.
- Men are…… Women are…… followed by a negative or derogatory statement.
- I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.
- My career is really taking off and I’m going wherever it leads me.
- I can’t stop thinking about my ex.
- I don’t really like making plans, I prefer being spontaneous.
- There is so much drama in my life.
- Things are kind of complicated right now.
- My family is driving me crazy.
- Marriage is a trap.
- I feel that commitment limits my options. Or I like to keep my options open.
- Signs that the person has unresolved issues with either parent or their male / female identity.
And so on….
We aren’t saying that life has to be perfect for someone to be open to a relationship. In fact many of the people who utter those very statements are often in relationships – but they are not emotionally available or capable of the intimacy required for a relationship to THRIVE.
Relationships Are Actually Logical
Relationships are emotional; therefore a person who is emotionally stable is able to create a stable relationship. A person who is emotionally troubled will create a troubled relationship.
– A person who does not harbour negative beliefs or fear based beliefs about men, women or commitment. (That’s big and revealed in all of their conversations.)
– A person who has learned positive lessons from the past. They are willing to see past relationships as lessons where they have learned something valuable about themselves and matured emotionally. (Not that “women are all crazy” or “men are all selfish”).
– A person who has resolved their issues with their parents (or is at least at peace with them) and has a healthy sense of their male and female identity.
– A person who sees commitment as positive or has a healthy track record of commitment in other areas of their life (work, health etc.)
– Most importantly, a person who is open to personal growth and communication. This will serve you well once the “honeymoon period” has worn off and the time comes to grow and change together.
What Happens if I Have Chemistry with a Person Who Has Emotion Red Flags?
This is an important question and we hope you don’t mind our candid reply. Attraction is a subconscious state that serves to satisfy our most powerful fears and desires.
We would ask you: Why you are attracting a person who is troubled?
a) An emotional “rescuer” seeking wounded people in order to help them and therefore feel a sense of control or esteem in the relationship?
b) Fearful of getting hurt or “commitment phobic” and seek emotional distance and safety by dating people who are not emotionally available?
c) Experiencing a lack of self-worth in the area of love or believe you are “not lovable” and therefore are attracted to people who are not emotionally available or capable of fully loving you?
d) Simply new to relationships or are genuinely unaware that these Red Flags are the danger signs. Now that you know, you will promptly and confidently move on when you hear them.
There are other reasons, but these are without a doubt the main ones. Regardless of the list that goes on, if you are consistently in relationships where you are struggling for love , we lovingly encourage you to do some inner work and heal what’s UnderMind. Life is a mirror and your results reveal what works as well as what doesn’t. You owe it to yourself to be courageous enough to look within and discover what’s keeping you from experiencing the love you richly deserve.
This article was originally posted on http://www.eligiblemagazine.com/2013/02/13/relationship-red-flags/