Welcome to Part 3: The End: Running Scared
What is going on? How can this be happening? Are the typical questions one asks themselves when facing the end of a relationship with a commitment-phobic person. The charming pursuer you knew at the beginning in now :”on the run”. They got in too deep, and they know it. All of the clarity they felt in the beginning has turned to cloud. They may be conflicted about their emotions, but their strongest impulse is to get away. If you had a fiery start, this stage can be reached within hours. Many commitment – phobics are averse to conflict and can drag on the End until you take action and end the relationship.
This is Part 3 of the 4 part series that explores the 4 Stages of the classic commitment-phobic relationship. This series will explain step-by-step, how a warm heart turns into a cold shoulder. It is a continuation of: Part 2 – The Middle: Now That They Have You, Panic Sets In
It’s important to note that people with commitment phobia rarely have malicious intent. They don’t mean to end things abruptly. They struggle gravely with the desire for things to work. The reason they sell such a great dream in the beginning is because they are believers. They get so wrapped up in you and the story of your lives together that they push all of their needs aside. In the process of winning you over, they lose themselves. Once the reality sets in, they realize that this new life is unsustainable and fear and overwhelm dissolve their attraction. Time to get out of this mess, but how?
The End: Indications that You are at the END of a Commitment Phobic Relationship.[i]
Check all that apply:
Commitment-Phobia Can Affect All Types of Relationships
This relationship dynamic is not restricted to love, it can permeate any kind of relationship, including friends, colleagues or co-workers, business partnerships; even parents with children. If you have ever wondered how a mother or father can simply extract themselves from a marriage with children and leave with only a note at the door, it is likely they are overcome with commitment-phobia.
Authors of He’s Scared, She’s Scared, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol teach that, “When the relationship has reached this stage, the inevitable is on the horizon – the end. In some relationships, this begins the pattern of “break up and make up”. Others can drag on in this dreadful dance of push and pull and even get married; feeling slighted, insulted and abused. This is why we encourage you (both men and women) to have high self esteem before going into a deep relationship so you can recognize when you are not being treated right – or getting crumbs, and leave. Others may also stay in the relationship – enthralled by their partner and lower their expectations for commitment just to be together. They will say things like, “We are just having fun.” Or “We agreed not to talk about anything serious until next year.”
To make this conversation more relevant to you, ask yourself these questions: